"Other" Esteem

Why are you of worth?  What makes you valuable?  According to Pia Mellody in her book, Facing Codependence, "If codependents have any kind of esteem, it is not self-esteem but what I call other-esteem. Other-esteem is based on external things, including some of the following:

• How they look
• How much money they make
• Who they know
• What kind of job they have
• How well their children perform
• How successful their souse is
• The degrees they have earned
• How well they perform at activities in which others value excellence (p. 9)."

Mellody goes on to detail how having other esteem is dangerous because our very self-worth is based on something transitory and changeable (like how our children behave).  I know for me growing up, my other-esteem was based on my performance in school.  There was a huge amount of anxiety about my grades.  If I did well on a test, I was an okay person.  But, if I didn't do well, the world shattered around me.  It felt like I was always on the brink of losing my worth as a person. 

Our self-esteem should be based in the fact that because we are human, we are inherently of infinite value.  For me, my faith in God lends an even stronger reason to believe that even my house is disgusting and my kids are disrespectful, I am still important. And yet, I've struggled my whole life to believe that is true.  I have faith that I am a daughter of God, I've had answers to prayers, I have felt His hand in my life, so how can I still struggle with my self-esteem?  Well, I've been raised to be a codependent by a seriously codependent mother and it is hard to change old patterns.  Hard, but possible.

My journey is going to start here, with my idea of my own self-worth.  If you believe something has value, you will take care of it, nurture it, and protect it.  It's time to nurture and love ourselves and to accept the flaws as well as the successes. It is time to make sure WE are nourished physically, emotionally and spiritually.  That means finding what we need to start doing better, be it eating right, exercising, meditating, scripture reading, and/or praying. 

Honestly, with my three children running around me, I have not taken the time I need for me.  My needs are bottom in the priority list pretty much every day.  Not that I need to have hours of alone time, I just could use ten minutes of scripture study in the morning with a quiet prayer or a small walk by myself in the evening.

I also need to be true to myself in my own mind.  I've noticed, as I'm sure you have, that its vogue to be cynical these days and negative about life and pretty much everything around us.  Today I will not put myself down (verbally or in my head), I will pray to see the beauty in me and in the imperfections of my life.  I will accept my children do not always behave, my house is not always clean, my husband is not always thoughtful, and I'm not always what I should be.  I will keep trying knowing that with God, my imperfect effort will be enough.

A brief point I'd like to make is that no one is going to come in and save me.  No one will start taking care of me although I'd like to be the victim my whole life.  Today is the day to take charge of our lives if we haven't been doing so.  I've waited for my husband to make time for me to exercise and guess what?  It NEVER will happen.  It's time to assert my own needs in a respectful way and stop waiting around for someone to do it for me. 

What "other" esteem have you had in your life?  What would you personally need to do show yourself you are of worth?

About Me

My name is Elizabeth and I'm a codependent.

Tonight, I realized my story needs to be heard because of the fact that I've hidden it so deep inside of me. 

This blog is meant to be a journey; a journey of self-discovery and self-realization.  So many of us have forgotten who we really are with all the roles and expectations put on us.  For me, my overpowering roles right now are that of a mother and a wife.  I am a 27 year-old wife to my husband of seven years and a stay-at-home mother to my three children. Somehow, during these past seven years, I feel I've lost me somewhere. 

Who am I really, you may wonder?  I'll tell you a little about the me most people don't know.  The real me is hidden, so far down that only the closest people have seen the glimmer of my soul.  Unfortunately, there's a lot of reasons I hide like this.  For one, I've been hurt and betrayed so many times in my life.  Also, I want to be perfect and I know I can't ever do things right.  That's why my house goes from pristine to a disaster, because I try and then I realize I can't do it all so I just give up and read.  I'm constantly trying to escape from life.  I don't know how to mother my children so I do the best I can, but it's never quite enough in my mind. I don't think anything I have to say sounds right or is important.  I'm afraid to share anything, especially in public.  Go figure, so I'll just go start a blog, right?  Exposure therapy! 

Here's a dream of mine: I want to be an accomplished violinist.  When I told my parents my dream as a twelve-year old I was told I wouldn't stick to it and only later found out it was because my dad's sister pretty much became obsessed with the violin and became a loser.  Did I mention I looked like this aunt and so, obviously, I'd behave just like she did?  So, I saved my money, made a pretend violin from a square Tupperware container and four different sized rubber bands wrapped around it (so I could pluck the notes). After I had $80 saved, I showed my dad my money and my "violin"and still, the verdict was "no".

Four years later, I bought myself a violin.  I picked it up and ended up playing in the advanced orchestra my senior year.  Then the violin was put away for college, just too busy studying.  But a part of me cannot forget the feelings I felt while I played in orchestra.  So I began to play again after my first child (my only girl) was born and I've gone back and forth with lessons.  Right now, since I just had my third baby, I'm in an off period.  Honestly acknowledging my dream though is so crucial.  I want to be a wonderful violinist!  I want to prove my parents wrong, that I will never give it up and that I'm not a failure!  But mostly, I love the way when I played in orchestra I felt the world fall away and all there was left was the music and the rosin flying off my violin as my bow flew across its strings .  The music was all around me, it was inside me, it was me.  I've never felt so overpowered and swept away in my whole life and I want to experience it again. 

Funny thing is, I found a violin teacher here where I live that I love.  I could go back next week and do it and start again (of course, there's the money aspect one must consider).  Hm....I think I might just go for it and see how it goes.  I'll keep you posted!

I'd love to hear about your dreams and the "real" you.